To the men who are confused by this, take it the wrong way, or genuinely don’t understand what’s happening in these situations, here’s something I’d like to share from a woman’s pov. I hope you read it with the same patience as I’ve put in writing this in order to help those who easily come up with a conclusion.
I’ve read hundreds, if not thousands, of comments across Reddit, not just on this sub but on dating app subs too. One thing I keep seeing is men saying things like:
“Come on, bro. She didn’t talk to you because you weren’t attractive.”
“You were ugly.”
“If you were hot, she would’ve done this or that.” (usually followed by something vulgar)
“Find someone in your league.”
I’ve also seen tons of men internalize these ideas and reject themselves before anyone else even has the chance to.
Now here’s what I’d like to say.
That’s NOT ALWAYS the reason or case, even though many men seem convinced that it is.
Men are generally more visually oriented when it comes to attraction. And so, they look at things from that lens usually, even though they try to think from the pov of women but you see, they’re wearing the same glasses...
<<I’m speaking broadly about typical male-female dynamics here, not every individual or every identity, because that’s a different discussion.>>
Women, on the other hand, often have another layer running in the background. Regardless of what they consciously say (for example,one may say, “I’m a woman and I also notice the physical appearance first”), many are instinctively assessing whether someone feels safe. It’s almost like an internal radar. I’m not saying physical appearance doesn’t matter. Of course it can. But it’s rarely the only thing being evaluated.
When a woman is alone in an airport, walking down the street, waiting for a train or simply going about her day, her nervous system is often making rapid judgments about comfort and safety before attraction even gets a chance to develop.
So yes, you can be attractive, well-dressed, successful, and financially comfortable. But if your overall presence doesn’t make someone feel at ease, those other qualities may never even get the opportunity to matter. That’s very different from meeting someone in an environment where people are already expecting to flirt or hook up, like a bar or a club. I’m talking about everyday interactions with ordinary (not eager for hookup but someone you found on a random day or wanna date because you know them, you connected with them online or offline) women who are simply living their lives and caught your attention, and you wanna approach them - like a small talk and then leading from there, you know.
So… here’s the part I think gets misunderstood the most.
YOU CAN’T FAKE SAFETY.
You can’t memorize a few body language tricks or say the “right” lines and suddenly become someone who feels safe to other people.
That comes from who you are when no one’s watching.
It comes from how secure you are within yourself, how you treat people who can’t offer you anything, how you regulate your emotions, how you carry yourself, and whether the people around you generally feel comfortable in your presence regardless of their gender, age, social or economic status, and relationship with you.
In other words, don’t build yourself only for dating.
Build yourself for life.
Become someone who naturally makes the people around you feel respected, comfortable, and safe. Women aren’t separate from the rest of your life. They’re part of the same world you’re already living in. Dating is just one expression of the person you are every day.
Edit: I wrote this post to help men see a better perspective of what’s often misunderstood. I’m not here to convince you if you want to think you are unattractive and that’s why you’re getting rejected or avoided or not getting enough attention while some other dude is getting everything. With that kind of mindset, you can’t do anything other than continuing with the same experiences, the same reality. Let’s say, this post is a BS as some of you said, then what?? Let it be a BS and you can keep going with who you are, if that benefits you.
